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Dachshund Jokes & Funnies Page
You Know You're In A Dachshund House When....
1 Every purse and coat pocket is rifled when you walk through the door.
2 The bed has sausage shaped lumps under the covers.
3 The doggie door is only 8" high.
4 You're face gets licked by a dog standing on the back of the couch.
5 When you come into the house after being away only minutes and you are greeted like you've been gone for 10 years.
6 When someone hands you a tennis ball as soon as you walk in the door.
7 When the owner's introduce their Dachshund as their oldest son/daughter.
8 Footstools are placed strategically around the furniture and bed.
9 The house is decorated with Dachshund items.
10 The owner is decorated with Dachshund items.
11 Gates are placed in each doorway.
12 After the doorbell rings, you can't hear a thing for 10 minutes.
13 The alarm clock is set for HIS wake up time.
14 Dachshund "nose art" is proudly displayed on each window.
15 There are at least 45 balls laying around the house.
16 All socks, underwear, and shoes have holes in them.
17 The sign outside the house says, "Dachshund Lovers Parking Only."
18 You have to look before you take a step.
19 All squeak toys no long have squeaking ability.
20 The doors to many rooms must remain closed.
21 The owner's bed never remains made.
22 Rugs and furniture are all dark colors.
23 The cat litter box magically cleans itself.
24 You will find dogs instead of clothes in the laundry basket.
25 When you arrive, you find the living room covered with chewed up tampons, toilet paper rolls, Kleenex, etc…
26 All snow is shoveled from the yard to protect the "Ta-Ta's" of male Dachshunds.
27 You notice small fox holes in the yard.
28 You are kindly told not to eat the green beans and carrots because they are for the dogs.
29 Toy boxes are bone shaped.
30 All waste baskets and trash cans are elevated at least 3 ft. from the ground.
31 There is a Bissel Green Machine always within reach.
32 A cupboard is full of tiny clothes that were purchased before the
owner realized that Dachshunds would rather remain nudists.
33 Company doesn't come around much anymore.
34 The owner talks a lot about getting a super king-sized bed.
35 The living room looks like it's covered with snow due to the batting which came out of de-stuffed toys.
36 Blankets cover each piece of furniture for better burrowing purposes.
37 The owner had no food yet his Dachshund has plenty of premium dog food.
38 The mailman is warned, "Watch out our he'll bite a hole in your sock."
39 The mailman passes a brightly colored card to other mailmen saying,
"A dangerous animal lives inside. Do not use mail slot."
40 Bricks are placed inside trash cans so they don't get tipped over.
41 The Dachshund gets kisses before the owner's significant other.
42 The owner runs around looking for a "sitter" if they're going to be gone for more than a few hours.
43 It is too dangerous to walk around the house without shoes because of partly chewed up Nyla-Bones.
44 Little blue pee-pads are placed by the back door.
45 You notice that The Dachshund's receive more Christmas presents than human kids.
46 All the owner's computer "favorites" are Dachshund relate.
47 The grass is mowed very very very short.
48 There is always plenty of toilet paper to pick up poops.
49 The owner's bed is covered with no less than 4 gutted toys, 3 balls, and 2 nyla-bones.
50 You are immediately told not to sit in the dog's chair.
-Unknown Author
Dachshund Joke
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful
pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies
and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.
So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund
thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones
on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly,
"Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more
around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a
look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard.
"That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree
figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection
from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund
happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed.
The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and
struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being
made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to
happen to that conniving canine."
Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and he thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen
them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund,
he said--
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me
another leopard."
-Unknown Author
How many dogs does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our
whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned-out lightbulb?
BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
DACHSHUND: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp.
ROTTWEILER: Make me!
LAB: Oh, me,me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Can I?!!!
GERMAN SHEPARD: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from
the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one
more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of
the situation.
TIBETAN TERRIER: Let the Boder Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
JACK RUSSEL TERRIER: Ill just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By
the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
DOBERMAN: While its dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
BOXER: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
POINTER: I see it, there it is, there it is, right here...
GREYHOUND: It isn't moving, who cares?
AUSTRALIAN SHEPARD: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
OLD ENGLISH SHEEPDOG: Ligh bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb.
HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZzZzZzZZz.z..z...z...z.z.z...z
CAT: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the
question is : How long will it be before I can expect light? ALL OF
WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE
STAFF.
-unknown author-
Things Dachshunds Must Try To Remember....
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when
I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the
sofa or under the bed.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of
clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just
because I like the way they smell.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food; although they
are tasty, they are not food.
I will not eat any more socks, Kleenex or napkins, and
then redeposit them in the backyard
after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold,
wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the
red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window
rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time
I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all
over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches
in for Dad's driver's license and car registration.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear
when he's on the toilet.
I will not roll around in the dirt right after getting
a bath.
Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an
acceptable way of saying "hello."
I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick
my crotch when company is over.
The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him
and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
I will never again mess with a skunk. I now accept
that they have every right to come into my yard.
However, I will encourage my cat to attack them. |
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